


what the water gave me

by softshocks



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, ancient civilizations, borderline ritual bathing, great libraries and blades, pirate & princess au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:02:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27026290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softshocks/pseuds/softshocks
Summary: The Goddess was kind as she was cruel; calling Siyeon to live as she wished on The Polaris, but leading her here to fall in love with the princess bound by her duty.
Relationships: Han Dong | Handong/Lee Siyeon, side jibo and 2yoo
Comments: 45
Kudos: 135
Collections: DreamCatcher Pirate Ficfest 2k20





	what the water gave me

**Author's Note:**

> I am, once again, the sidong I wish to see in this world. Loosely based on my last civilization vi run inspired by phoenicia. So it’s… sort of real history but also not. Idk
> 
> I have no playlist to offer, except florence + the machine’s ceremonials album so go listen to that 
> 
> Big thanks to my bud nat for listening to me scream at her about this (and for screaming back) 
> 
> **Cw non-graphic drowning towards the last few paragraphs**
> 
> Come say hi, i’m hausofbora on twt!

The sea is terribly cruel tonight. Moments like this remind her that the Goddess of the Sea was the sister of the Goddess of Death.

There’s a sharp ringing in her ears, the boat shaking violently. It’s all Siyeon hears, and the rain pounds on her body, washing all the blood away on the wooden flooring. 

Blood that isn’t hers in the first place. But Siyeon’s hands shake as if it were. Bora lay in her arms, almost unconscious, her hair dark and damp and crawling like snakes on her face, growing paler and paler by the minute. 

“Bora,” Siyeon cries, and she can’t even hear herself. Bora responds, eyes opening to meet hers. There’s life, but barely. The fire inside Bora is flickering as the gusts of the storm’s wind beat against them. “Stay awake. Keep your eyes on me, mate. Don’t you dare close them.” 

The escape boat begins its descent towards the dark, raging waters. On the other end of the boat were some supplies, and things Siyeon can use to keep Bora alive as they escape. 

Her hearing must be back, because Siyeon hears Minji distantly calling out to them, running towards the rails of the Polaris. There’s panic and fear and worry on her face in a way Siyeon has never seen before, when only a few moments ago she’d been their fearless Captain, barking orders to defend the ship from other pirates trying to steal their cargo. 

There’s another explosion, a much smaller one and a little farther off, but it illuminates Minji’s face with a menacing dark orange. 

They have to go. 

“ _Siyeon_!” Minji exclaims, desperate. She’s not going to try to stop them, because her lover was in Siyeon’s arms - fighting for her life from all the blood spilling out of her mangled leg. “Be safe! We’ll find you, I swear it!” 

Siyeon gives her a nod. “Go!” She tells them, exclaims until her voice is raw, and they’re lowered onto the sea with a harsh thud. “The coast is not far off; just follow the three-sister constellation!” 

It’s Minji’s turn to nod, and Siyeon - despite the water in her eyes and the overcast sky - sees tears streaking Minji’s face. 

They can’t afford to lose the cargo on the Polaris. There were thousands of starving families in the east because of famine and incompetent governance. 

But they can’t afford to lose Bora. Their admiral. One-third of the three of them, running the Polaris together. Their best friend.

So part ways they will, for now. 

Minji spends a few moments looking at them one last time, then she’s off to protect the ship and steer it back to safety. Siyeon positions Bora to a better position so she can get closer to her leg. It jostles Bora a bit, letting out a blood-curling scream, and tears sting at Siyeon’s eyes.

“Bora,” she says, positioning closer to the leg that’s still leaking so much blood, “I’m going to put a tourniquet on your leg. We have to stop the bleeding.” 

Bora lets another anguished scream when she applies it properly, and Siyeon cries some more right after, but not without taking the oars to row towards the coast, directly under the three sister stars of the night sky. 

-

The sun streams through the window when Siyeon wakes, and the world outside is already bustling with life.

It’s too early for Siyeon even if her life’s work on the Polaris was to navigate them to their destination, wherever that may be. 

She rolls to her side, careful not to jostle Bora, who sleeps soundly. Slightly paler than she usually is, but no longer the deathly pallor from the night before. Siyeon checks her leg to see that it’s wrapped neatly in bandages with herbs.

She’d feared last night that Bora might have to lose her leg. Thankfully the kind healer who was collecting samples from the sea whom she asked for help from along the coast aided them inside, before the highly regulated docks that filtered the visitors streaming in. 

Being a regarded healer in the capital, they’d let them pass with the help of the woman. Had they not met her, Bora would not have lived through the night. 

The beads that led to their room part. “Good morning,” Gahyeon says, her white robes a stark contrast to her dark hair. “This is for her when she wakes up,” handing her a jar of dark green liquid. Siyeon can imagine Bora, even indisposed, won’t be pleased about it. “I’m telling you now that this will be rather… unpleasant.” 

Siyeon laughs, rubbing at her eyes, looking at Bora then at the healer. “She’ll be fine. Thank you, Lady Gahyeon. I’m not sure how we can ever repay your kindness.” 

Gahyeon waves her off, shaking her head and setting the jar on the bedside table. “Don’t you worry about that. I am, however, requesting your help to gather the daily materials for her treatment if that isn’t too much.” 

It’s the least Siyeon can do, so she agrees wholeheartedly, heading to the market while Gahyeon stays at the shop and watches over Bora. 

The marketplace of the White Tiger peninsula is loud and packed, but Siyeon enjoys seeing a wide variety of food and culture in addition to the city-state’s rich seafood offering. 

Siyeon didn’t know much about the city-state beforehand save for the fact that its coordinates lie directly under the three-sister constellation and that it is a booming center of trade - a melting pot of all sorts of people; a stopover, and also an entryway to the landlocked central and north city-states, separated by a tundra. 

To see it firsthand, however, is something else. 

Gahyeon had given her a fresh set of clothing that looked similar to the citizens’ so it’d be easier to blend in and not call for unnecessary attention. Dark blue robes, made from good silk only available in the northern continent. 

She buys the herbs Gahyeon had listed in the city’s writing, as Siyeon thankfully spoke and read the city’s local dialect - another derivation of her own. At the last stall, she tries to read the last thing Gahyeon had listed, unable to decipher the character. 

She doesn’t watch where she’s going, and she directly collides with the person in front of her. Matched with her bad legs from the attack a few days ago, it sends her back to the floor. 

“I apologize,” the person says, crouching down to help Siyeon up and retrieve the items on the ground. Siyeon can’t see their face - they’re cloaked, with their face half-covered by cloth. 

“No,” Siyeon replies, back on her feet. “That was on me. Are you all right?” 

They nod, and there’s a brief moment of silence between them before Siyeon remembers to pick up the ingredients Gahyeon requested. 

When they crouch down to do so, the mask falls off and Siyeon sees -

A pretty woman.

So pretty. 

The other woman notices, that Siyeon has stopped to stare at her. She pulls up the mask, and turns away swiftly to run in the opposite direction, her cloak flowing with the wind as she blends in with the crowd. 

Siyeon can only watch as she disappears into an aisle of people, holding the ingredients in her hands. 

-

“Oh Goddess, this tastes horrendous.” 

Siyeon watches her expectantly, raising a brow. “It also saved your life. Drink up.” 

Bora pulls a face, and Siyeon is just so happy to have her up and alive. Her leg is worse for wear, but she’ll be walking in a few months. 

Gahyeon returns, another concoction in her hands, now a purple, sweet-smelling one. “Still not done? It’s been half an hour.” When Bora tries to protest, Gahyeon squints her eyes menacingly and it’s enough to make Bora gulp the entire thing in one go. She turns as green as the drink, but Siyeon gives her some ale to keep it down and wash it away. 

“This is for your fever,” she holds out another cup with purple liquid. “Your body is working much harder to recover, though temporary.” 

Bora likes it, and she hums happily, and Siyeon can’t contain how relieved she is that she’s awake and happy - not at all the Bora on the small boat, passed out from losing too much blood. 

“I’m in your debt,” Bora tells Gahyeon, who, once again, waves it off. “We’re… seafarers. If there’s anything you request from us we’ll get it. Within reason.” 

Gahyeon raises a brow, and neither of them has to say what they really were. The jewelry, their beloved blades which lay sheathed underneath the bed, the clothes Siyeon traded for the normal wear of the citizens - gave it all away. 

They were pirates, and if Gahyeon had wanted to report them to the peninsula’s authorities, she could have.

But here they were, getting Bora to drink medicine to recover, in the back room of Gahyeon’s apothecary - not hung in the gallows or thrown into the sea where people like them were sent to die. But alive, well, and waiting for the Polaris to come back for them while Bora recovers. 

“You seafarers can get me rare ingredients from different regions?”

Siyeon and Bora nod, at the same time, eager to return the favor. 

-

It’s a few days later that she sees the same woman in the market, heavily cloaked despite the tepid weather. Each time Siyeon wants to approach her, the nervous beating of her heart takes precedence. 

On the third day, she spots her at the weaponry table displaying the finest blades imported from the southern regions, where she, Minji, and Bora were from. Their favored blades - Minji’s Alnitak, Bora’s Alnilam, and Siyeon’s Mintaka gifted to them by Minji's father, the captain before her - were made of the same material. 

The cloaked woman eyes one particular blade, with a gorgeous curved body. A luxurious scimitar. Its hilt was made out of fine metals and a plush, dark blue cloth. 

Siyeon moves next to her, and starts talking - which is hard on a regular day, but if there’s something Siyeon loves talking about, it’s weapons so it comes to her easily. “That’s from the eastern mines of the south,” she says, and the woman startles a bit, but she doesn’t flee like before so Siyeon continues. “They have the finest metals, in my opinion. I think this would suit you.

The woman turns to her - still the same, masked face. Her eyes, however, were piercing as ever. “You don’t even know who I am.” 

“It’s not a requirement to recommend a good weapon,” Siyeon shrugs, smiling. “I think you’d like it.” 

The woman doesn’t seem bristled, and Siyeon doesn’t know why she’s still talking to her but she likes her already. “You’re not from here.”

“Not a lot of people are. It’s a trading port.”

She tilts her head, her eyes squinting at Siyeon, watching her carefully. For what, Siyeon doesn’t know. She also doesn’t know why she calls out to her when the woman turns away, to walk away from her. 

“Yah! You’re right,” she admits, and that stops the woman from walking away. “I’m not from here. I’m just… looking for a friend and something to do while my pal recovers.” 

She doesn’t know why she’s asking this mysterious person to be her friend, but she’s bored out of her mind while Bora recovers. The city was beautiful. It would be such a waste to not see more of it. 

“I’m uncertain if that’s a good idea…” The woman trails off, but she considers it. “What do you want to do?”

Siyeon shrugs again. “You seem like you’re from here. You would know.” 

The woman says nothing, and Siyeon thinks she’s about to take off again, but her sharp eyes - even under the cloak, soften. “Follow me.” 

“Where are we going?” Siyeon asks, hot on the woman’s trails. She looks back, and Siyeon feels her heart stop. The setting sun sets a halo around her head, and Siyeon can’t help but still follow. 

It’s an uphill track, rocks and soil making its way into Siyeon’s shoes as her hair sticks to the back of her neck uncomfortably. 

When they reach the top, the woman slows down, and Siyeon sees.

They’re overlooking the city, the sun painting its buildings golden - like a blessing, like treasure. The White Tiger peninsula was the pearl of the seas, and Siyeon sees it lain before her. Its infrastructure, its bustling civilization in all its glory as a rising city-state. 

How Siyeon had never stepped foot on it before escapes her, but she thanks the Goddess of the Sea that the three-sister constellation had led her and Bora to this place. 

“You said you wanted to see the city,” the woman says behind her, and Siyeon can’t even tear her eyes away from the city to look. “Here you are.” 

“It’s beautiful.”

“It has its moments,” the woman replies, now standing beside her. 

Siyeon turns to look and sees her - her hood, removed. Her mask, down.

The sun also painted the singularly most beautiful woman Siyeon had ever seen a lovely shade of gold. 

“You’re…” Siyeon stammers, unable to speak. She’s certainly staring, and she can’t seem to pull away. “I…” 

The woman raises a perfectly arched brow and Siyeon’s heart drops. “Yes?” 

Siyeon looks away, shaking her head. “Thank you for bringing me here. It’s a beautiful view.” 

She smiles. “It’s my favorite place to go when I need some moments with myself.” 

The sun sets when they’re done talking, and suddenly Siyeon will be seeing more of this woman - whose name she forgets to ask. She only ever realizes when she’s back at the apothecary and recounting the events to Bora and Gahyeon, who - combined - are the biggest gossips in the entire realm. 

Bora pinches the bridge of her nose. “What in the Goddess’ everloving name do you mean that you forgot to ask for her name? You are so _useless_!” 

Siyeon avoids her hand coming to pinch her arm. “I’m sorry! She was so beautiful!” 

“Lee Siyeon, mate, you’re going to have to see her again and ask for her damned name!” 

-

Bora and Siyeon, with Gahyeon’s help, are able to send a falcon to the Polaris’ destination in the east. It contained the peninsula’s direct coordinates, and a small map Gahyeon had procured from the market. 

“You think it’ll find its way there?” Siyeon asks, watching as the bird flew. It was Gahyeon’s favorite. 

Gahyeon nods, her hair flowing in the wind. “She’s never lost her way.”

-

“Are you sure you don’t want that scimitar? You keep passing by to look at it.” 

The woman shakes her head. “My father… he wouldn’t allow it. If he found out I knew how to wield the blade, he’d never forgive me.” 

Siyeon, in the short time she’d known this beautiful and mysterious woman, had found out she was skilled somewhat with the blade.

“Anyone in their right mind who’d see you with a blade would be,” Siyeon tells her, and it rewards her with a low chuckle. 

Silence washes over them, but the woman inspects Siyeon’s face - intently, intensely. Siyeon studies hers in return despite the warmth crawling up her neck at being observed. 

Her face is immaculate. Cat-like eyes. High cheekbones. The smoothest skin that Siyeon feels too unworthy to touch with her own sea-worn hands. 

“Your face,” she says, her lips curving downwards. “What happened?”

She’s talking about the scar that moves from Siyeon’s ear to her mouth. Truth be told, she’d gotten it from a freak accident at a close encounter during her early years on the Polaris. 

Of course, she doesn’t say so. “Ah. It’s from my childhood. It never went away,” Siyeon replies. “I’m sorry. It can be very disturbing to look at.” 

The woman’s brows furrow, shaking her head, a small smile curving her lips. “No, nothing like that. It… it makes you look handsome.” 

A push between Siyeon’s ribs is matched with a blush and a smile that she can’t even hide. She doesn’t even know this woman’s name and she feels like this with her. “You think so?”

The woman nods, looking away, pink coloring her cheeks but it may be from the warm weather. When they see the sun is about to set, the woman stands, dusting her robes and unfolding her cloak. “I have to go.” 

Siyeon nods, following suit. She should probably make her way back to the apothecary. 

They say goodbye, and then Siyeon remembers. “Hey!”

The woman turns back to look at her, her cloak on and her mask pulled up.

“Can I ask for your name?”

There are a few beats of silence. Then the woman pulls down her mask. “My name is Handong,” she says, cautiously, expectantly. As if saying it should make Siyeon react a certain way.

Her only thoughts are: _beautiful name for a beautiful girl._ Sharp, like her eyes. It makes sense.

She almost forgets: “I’m Siyeon.”

Handong nods, her gaze lingering, before pulling up her mask to leave.

Siyeon stands, watching her walk away. She’s been occupying her thoughts the past few days in a way no woman ever has. 

_Handong. Handong. Handong._

-

“Anything you want from the market?” 

Bora thinks for a bit, then nods. “If you could get me some spiced venison, that would be great.” 

With Gahyeon’s daily list in her pouch and Bora’s request in mind, Siyeon sets off to the market. 

She hasn’t seen Handong in days, but Siyeon assumed she must be busy with other things. Today, she passes by the scimitar that Handong was looking at the second time they’d met, and thinks of her. 

(The same way she has, the past few days.) 

After she goes through Gahyeon’s list and purchases some food for all of them, Siyeon sees her. 

Handong is in the middle of the aisle, without the signature cloak she dons when they’re around people for whatever reason that she does. 

Of course, Siyeon walks towards her. Siyeon calls out her name. Siyeon wants to be close to her. 

Then there’s a hulking man in front of her, sending Siyeon back a few steps. Wearing uniform robes, surrounding Handong. 

“You are not worthy of her highness,” he says, gruffly, crossing his arms. “Move along.”

_Her highness._

She looks past him, at Handong, whose clothes are fine silk. Whose arms are decorated with gold. Even Handong’s head is crowned with jewels. 

She’s so beautiful. 

Princess Handong. The cloak. The secrecy. Siyeon never asked, out of respect, and somehow this feels like a revelation she has no right to bear witness to. 

She meets Handong’s eyes briefly. Her gaze, desperate. Her brows, furrowed. _Please don’t say anything,_ her eyes beg. _Please_. 

So Siyeon does as she’s told, as if nothing had happened. 

“This is my spot, by the way.”

Siyeon doesn’t have to look back to know it’s Handong, but she still does because she’s ridiculously pretty. 

Here, Handong is wearing plain clothing. Her cloak, still around her. None of the gold accessories on her body. No crown on her head. 

It doesn’t take a scholar to see that Handong is more… herself, like this. The woman she’d seen a while ago looked so out of place, so uncomfortable in her own skin. 

“I don’t see your name on it, your highness.” Siyeon teases, but she regrets it when Handong flinches at the name. 

Still, Handong takes a seat beside her as they watch the city life bustling below. 

“I apologize for not telling you,” Handong begins, not meeting Siyeon’s eyes. “It’s not… exactly something I want people to know about.” 

Siyeon shrugs. She’d gone days knowing tiny details about Handong’s childhood without knowing her name for the sole reason she respected Handong’s secrets. “You had your reasons. I apologize for finding out the way I did.” 

The princess shakes her head. “You don’t need to. You were bound to find out anyway. It was only a matter of time.” 

Some silence settles over them until Siyeon breaks it. “A princess, huh?”

Handong laughs for the first time. “Yes, that would be true. You really aren’t from around here, are you?” When Siyeon shakes her head, Handong continues. “That’s also why I took a chance and brought you here. You didn’t seem to recognize me, even with my mask down. You did look surprised, though. I can’t imagine why.” 

A blush crawls up her neck. Handong’s slight smile tells her she’s being teased, and Siyeon can only laugh. “Ah, well. You were really pretty. That’s why.” 

It’s Handong’s turn to have a blush color her cheeks. She’s certain that Handong has several suitors sent her way, making her feel like this, but Siyeon - in all her years of living - has never felt this way before. 

“I apologize again for acting the way I did earlier,” she says, looking down. “If anyone caught wind of me stepping out of the palace grounds alone, I’ll never see the outside world again.”

Siyeon understands, and she tells her so. Had Handong given her the tiniest bit of recognition, it might have all ended up with her never seeing her again. “I enjoy your company very much, Siyeon,” she says, glancing at Siyeon, somewhat shyly. “I wish to see more of you and be your friend. While you’re here.”

Siyeon nods, her cheeks hurting from smiling. Today, the sun is warm, but what she feels beneath her ribs is warmer. 

-

“What do you know about the crown princess?” Siyeon asks, over the supper they share in Gahyeon’s apothecary. Bora would have cooked but she was still bedridden, and so they ate together inside the room - with Gahyeon and Siyeon on the floor and Bora sitting up to stretch, already itching to walk around despite her healing leg. 

“She’s quite beloved,” Gahyeon answers over a mouthful of vegetables. “The king and queen are painfully protective of her. She’s their only heir.”

 _Huh_. Siyeon remembers how Handong’s father, the king, refused to let her wield or possess weapons, among other things. 

“Did you see her?” Bora asks.

“I think. I was far off.” 

“She’s very pretty,” sighs Gahyeon. “I’m also told she’s competent with the blade and did so behind her parents’ backs.”

Her cheeks warm, Siyeon smiles into her cup of ale, trying to hide it. 

“The girl you met a couple of days ago was the princess, wasn’t she?”

Siyeon drops Mintaka, whom she’d spent the past few moments polishing after Alnilam - Bora's blade. She apologizes to her blade with a murmur, and looks at Bora who laughs at her miserable, startled state. 

Bora laughs again, nudging her softly with her good leg. “Lee Siyeon, you know better than to hide things from me.”

Hiding things from Bora was a near-impossible task because: 1) she’s Bora, and 2) Siyeon is the worst liar on earth, especially to her. “Sorry.” 

Bora leans back to lie down carefully, hands under her head. She spares Siyeon a glance. “Just be careful, all right? The Polaris is coming back for us.” 

She’s right, and Siyeon knows it. The Polaris was her life, and she can’t ever choose anything over it. Her entire family was on that ship. 

Not even a pretty princess, who sneaks out of the palace grounds to meet her. 

Siyeon falls asleep, holding Bora’s hand as she always does. 

-

“No,” Siyeon laughs, clutching her stomach. “That’s not true. You’re lying!” 

“I kid you not,” Handong says, grinning. She shows Siyeon the scar on her arm from a sharp metal that had grazed her skin as a child, running away from the palace guards after cutting her hair so short they thought she was a commoner that snuck into the royal grounds. “They thought I was a stranger! Our head chef said I was very handsome.”

She can see it, definitely. Handong’s face was sculpted lovingly by the Goddess of the Sun, and she was blessed to be both beautiful and handsome. It was almost unfair. 

Nothing changed despite the recent revelation of Handong’s true identity. If anything, it made them closer. Now, Handong shares about her life as she did before but it’s no longer shrouded with mystery. 

Even so, Handong is still full of surprises. Despite Siyeon knowing from Gahyeon that she was skilled with the blade, hearing it from the princess herself still made Siyeon watch her with awe as she takes Mintaka, wields it as her own. 

“The master of the blade taught me behind my parents’ backs,” she explains, holding Mintaka’s worn cloth wrapped around its hilt, testing its weight. She twirls it around her expertly, the same way Siyeon would - except the way she handled Mintaka had more stiffness, more discipline. As if the blade was a foreign object. 

For Siyeon, having Mintaka on her is like another part of her body. 

Gaining a better grip, Handong points Siyeon’s own blade, a hair's breadth and a little more away from Siyeon’s chest. Swift. Fine. Deadly. 

The princess was good, but Siyeon doesn’t flinch even with her own blade pointed at her heart. 

“Seems like we need to get you that scimitar from the market so this would be an even fight.” 

Handong laughs, lowering Mintaka, handling the blade with utmost care as she passes it back to Siyeon. “I wouldn’t know how to sneak it into the palace. Guards are everywhere and they’d tell on me to earn my parents’ favor.” 

Siyeon nods, because it’s all she can do when Handong shares her childhood. She’d left the palace often, even as a child, unable to bear her parents closing in on her, reminding her of their expectations from the heir. 

It’s no wonder Handong sought the outside world so often. That she’d latched onto Siyeon’s company, because of the palace’s loneliness. 

Not that Siyeon’s complaining. She likes Handong. She likes Handong a _lot_.

“Maybe one day we can spar, if you want,” Siyeon suggests and Handong nods, eager, smiling, bright, and the push between Siyeon’s ribs grows worse at the way the light falls on the soft apples of her cheeks when she smiles. 

-

Friends weren’t really Siyeon’s forte - she’s had the crew of the Polaris for as long as she could remember. 

The moment she wandered from the orphanage and into the ports where she’d met Minji and Bora changed her life. They were all Siyeon needed. 

Getting closer to Handong every day, however, has been such a pleasant experience - it feels like she’s known her longer than she actually had. 

As she promised, the princess does take her to her favorite places in the White Tiger. Siyeon has been to the markets, of course, but Handong takes her to the different establishments. There were festivals held in honor of the gods and Handong teaches Siyeon how to participate respectfully and appropriately. 

The library was something Handong loved in particular. Siyeon has stepped into many libraries of the places she’s been to, but nothing has been quite like this — a massive collection of seven levels, maintained by monks and other scholars who came to visit. 

Siyeon had known the White Tiger peninsula being a center of trade would mean a wealth of knowledge such as this, but stepping into the place and seeing rows of books and scrolls like she’s never seen before was an experience despite never having been an avid reader of anything but the stars, the seas, and the maps that lead the way. 

Handong’s hand is warm in hers as she’s led deeper into the library. It’s evident that she is her happiest here, showing Siyeon her favorite parts which happen to be one of the very few places she can go to as the crown princess of the peninsula. 

Siyeon listens as Handong shows her rows of scrolls of her favorite epics and poems, and clay tablets from long before which she’d learned to read. Handong reads from one of them, laughing as she explains it’s a complaint about a wrong grade delivery of copper from a detestable copper merchant in the east.

She takes Siyeon, then, to some other section — until something catches her attention. 

“Wait,” Siyeon says, and Handong follows her. 

On a pedestal was a golden astrolabe, directly under the bright sunlight. Its parts were crafted meticulously, three blue jewels embedded in its body. It’s old, but restored - it must have belonged to someone important. 

“That’s a replica of the astrolabe that led my ancestors to this place,” Handong explains, directing a small, knowing smile at Siyeon, who cannot take her eyes off it. “The original is in the treasury, but both serve a reminder of the seas leading us to this place.” 

She misses her own astrolabe, which had remained in the Polaris. It was a silver thing, a gift from Minji’s late mother, the navigator of the Polaris until her dying breath. 

Seeing Siyeon’s fascination, Handong takes Siyeon to the scrolls about the seas, and some ancient maps and they almost spend the night there before Handong has to make her way back to the palace before supper. 

Handong takes her some ways away from the palace, enjoying walking with Siyeon a safe distance from the palace guards at the gates, and they pass by a festival play that’s vaguely satire — not directly mocking the royal family, but a fictional ruler from the epic. 

Siyeon doesn’t steer Handong away, but she doesn’t need to because Handong watches on. “I know that’s about my family,” she says coolly. “It’s far from the first time I’ve seen plays like that.” 

A royal, not offended by satire? Siyeon can’t seem to believe it — but Handong has always surprised her. “How do you feel about that?” 

Handong shrugs. “I live the way I do while so many are subjected to scraps. To suffering,” she looks away. “It’s not fair.” 

The anguish and the guilt — these were things she’d never seen from Handong. Even in the dusk light casting over the city, even with the mask covering her face and the cloak hiding her features, Siyeon can see it. 

They reach the palace blind spot where Handong leaves and enters — away from the guards, where she can easily sneak back inside and has done so for most of her life. 

Where Handong would usually bid her goodbye, letting go of her hand to hop over the hedges, she clings to Siyeon’s hand to nudge Siyeon’s attention. 

“Will you tell me what you do?” She says, her often sharp eyes - the only part of her face Siyeon sees - plead. 

It takes Siyeon back to the moment that she’d known Handong’s secrets. First, her face. Then her identity. 

It’s not that she owes Handong anything — Siyeon just… trusts her. Trusts her with information that could send her and Bora and even Gahyeon to the gallows. 

“I’m a pirate,” she says, quietly. “I steal from corrupt merchants and other pirates to feed the poor.”

Instead of the disgust Siyeon often sees from other people, there is not a single trace of that on Handong’s face - which she sees, fully, now that she’s pulled down her mask. 

“You don’t think I’m evil? That I’m the scum of the earth?” Those weren’t the worst she’s heard, but it’s what comes at the top of her head. 

Handong shakes her head, her hand still in Siyeon’s. “I know you’re good, Lee Siyeon. I know you have a good heart,” she’s closer, close enough Siyeon feels her through her robes and Handong’s cloak. Up close, Handong is intoxicating — more intoxicating than the finest alcohol Siyeon has ever had. 

She notices she hasn’t looked up from Handong’s smile, Handong’s lips, a pretty pink bow that Siyeon can’t tear her eyes away from. The crisp, light air is so thick now and Handong’s expensive perfume is driving her up a wall. 

What she isn’t prepared for is that when she looks up, Handong is also looking at her lips — intently, intensely. She must be dreaming, because there was no way on earth the princess of the peninsula, incidentally the most beautiful woman she’d ever laid her eyes on, could ever be interested in someone who scoured the seas for a living. 

Siyeon wants to kiss her badly. 

But she doesn’t. Pulling away despite her body gravitating towards the other woman, Siyeon thinks Handong deserves better.

She was just a lowly pirate. _What can she give her?_

Siyeon doesn’t understand the crease between Handong’s brows, but it disappears when Handong pulls up her mask but not without a shy smile. The red of her cheeks is probably from the windburn. 

“Thank you for today and for trusting me, Siyeon. Good night.” 

-

“I was born in water,” Siyeon tells her, lying down - her head on her hands as she observes the night sky, its stars like holes punctured on a dark blue blanket. Above them, the three-sister constellation watches over them, and at the corner of her eye, she sees Handong looking at her. “Minji’s mother, the navigator before me, said that I was called to the sea. And then when I found Minji and Bora on the Polaris, I was responding to that call.” 

“That’s beautiful,” Handong says, and when Siyeon meets her eyes the adoration she finds there makes the heart in her chest squeeze tightly. “I love hearing about your life. I hope you know that.” 

Siyeon blushes, laughing shyly. The crickets and the breeze and the soft waves from the secluded lake Handong led her to are their only companions. Handong is here with her past twilight, as the king and queen departed for a diplomatic visit in the central region. 

Tonight, Handong is freer, and she looks so beautiful laughing and smiling even in the lone light cast by the moon and the lamp at their heads. 

“What about you, princess?” Siyeon says, turning fully to face Handong, who’s still smiling sweetly at her. “What do you desire?” 

Handong’s eyes linger, but when she does look away her smile grows smaller and she looks pensive as she says: “I’d be out in the world, seeing it,” she says wistfully. “Visiting every library I can. Buying the capital’s finest sets of clothing. Eat the specialties of all these places.” 

Siyeon frowns. “Well, what’s stopping you?” 

She lies on her back, facing the sky. “My family. They’d be devastated,” she says, but somehow Handong doesn’t sound sad nor guilty. Burdened, yes, but not remorseful. “I have to take over eventually. I suppose there is no other fitting ruler my parents see.” 

“Would you be happy? You know, if you ruled.” 

“No,” Handong replies simply. 

“What would make you happy, then?” Siyeon asks. 

Handong does look at her now with an unreadable expression, something Siyeon can’t place but feels deep in her soul. “If you bathe in this lake with me.” 

Siyeon doesn’t think she hears that right. “W-what?”

Much to her distress, Handong moves to stand and slip off her robes. “It’s a shallow lake, and it’s a warm night,” she says, walking towards the water. Siyeon can only sit and watch as Handong’s feet pads gracefully, not unlike the royal pets that Handong can never stop talking about, or the cats that roam the streets they crouch down to scratch behind their ears. 

She has known that the people of the White Tiger peninsula were not particular about nudity, and so she isn’t surprised when Handong lets her robes fall to her feet. Siyeon isn’t given a warning, or she hadn’t seen it, now she’s met with the sight of Handong’s body - gorgeous, lean, illuminated by the moonlight with her back sculpted by the gods. As Siyeon’s eyes travel downwards, she feels heat rise up her neck. 

She’s not a prude, and she’s definitely seen people in this same state of undress, but they weren’t Handong. They weren’t as beautiful as she is. 

Siyeon feels unworthy, and a little bit filthy for staring at Handong’s body as she descends into the water. “You can look, child of the sea,” says Handong, and it’s gentle but teasing, and Siyeon is nothing if she doesn’t follow. So Siyeon does, and she finds Handong in the water, looking over her shoulder. It steals the air from her chest, and it’s hard to breathe in the best way possible when Handong smiles at her. “And you can join me.” 

Siyeon follows orders well, so she stands and sheds her own robes to join Handong in the lake. 

The water is cool, a nice balm to the skin from the afternoon, and she’s barely shy with her own body but the way Handong watches her as she enters the water - she’s not sure if anyone has ever looked at her that way before. 

Being in water always feels like such a benediction, like a ritual. Siyeon’s life revolves around it, and once again she’s reminded she’s devoted to the Goddess of the Sea. 

She swims towards Handong who waits for her, her cheeks flushed, until they’re inches apart. The light from the moon dances on the water and on Handong’s face, and Siyeon thanks the Goddess for this moment, and for leading her here. 

Handong is so beautiful. 

The princess’ hand comes up from the water, caressing Siyeon’s face with such tenderness. “You are really a child of the water,” Handong says, awestruck. Even as the water splashes around them, Handong is all that Siyeon can hear, Handong’s hand caressing her scar is all that Siyeon can feel. “You are so beautiful in here.” 

Siyeon has never been called beautiful before. Handsome, yes. Good-looking, yes. But never _beautiful_ , never said in the way Handong does. Never with such reverence, never with such tenderness that Siyeon had never seen from anyone. 

“I think you’re beautiful too,” Siyeon tells her, breathless. She means it, and doesn’t think that any language in the world can let her convey what she feels about Handong. What she feels when Handong looks at her the way she does despite knowing what she really was. 

_How could this woman even feel the same about me?_ She thinks, watching the light dance in Handong’s eyes. She is fire and Siyeon is so drawn to her. _Why me, Goddess? she thinks._ She doesn't know if she's talking to the Goddess of the Sea, or the woman in front of her. _What have I done to deserve this?_

Like every night in the past few days, Siyeon wants to kiss her. 

“Child of the water,” Handong says quietly, their foreheads pressed together, “so beautiful...” 

This time, under the full moon and the constellation of the three sisters, Handong closes the distance between their bodies in the water, and Siyeon finally does. 

-

_Wolf, Sparrow,_

_I thank the Goddess you are safe. That’s all I could ever hope for._

_As I write this, we are distributing all the goods - which made it to the east in one piece. Not much cargo was lost with the southern pirates._

_The famine is slowly eradicated from much external pressure from the people. Rightfully so._

_By the time this letter finds its way to you, we would have finished and will be on our way to where you are. We would travel for one moon or more to find you, but I would travel a thousand more to do so._

_Be safe. Take care of each other. It’s only a matter of time until we meet again._

_KMJ_

-

“That’s a heavy weight off my chest knowing they’re all right,” Bora tells her, folding the letter that came with the falcon with such reverence that sometimes feels so foreign to see from the admiral. 

She may not always show Minji her softness, but when it shows it’s hard to ignore. When she thinks Siyeon isn't looking, at the corner of Siyeon's eye she sees Bora caressing the paper and pressing a kiss to it with unparalleled gentleness, as if the paper had been the back of the hand of her lover for a decade. “I miss her. We have never spent more than a week apart.” 

“I know, we grew up together,” Siyeon teases her, and Bora nudges her playfully with her shoulder. “I miss her too. They’ll find us even without me navigating for them. Minji can read the stars too.” 

“Are you ready to leave?” 

Siyeon looks at her. “What do you mean? Of course I am.” 

“What about, you know, the princess?” Bora laughs when she notices Siyeon blushes. “ _Your sweet lady love_.” 

The redness has spread from her cheeks down to her neck. She hadn’t given much thought to what will happen when she leaves. Siyeon just enjoys being with Handong, kissing Handong, touching Handong —

“So what? Is she a good kisser? Our Singnie is all grown up now.” 

Oh, Handong is such a good kisser it should be a crime. The way she holds onto the back of Siyeon’s neck to keep her there. The way she nips at Siyeon’s lower lips, the skin of Siyeon’s neck. 

She kisses like she can’t get enough of Siyeon, and it’s incredibly convenient because Siyeon feels the same way. She was a child of the water and maybe that was exactly why when she kisses Handong it feels like the waves but it never feels like drowning. 

“I’m not answering that,” Siyeon tells her, avoiding her eyes.

Bora scoffs. “You don’t need to, mate. Your red ears tell me everything. So what about her?”

Shrugging, Siyeon frowns. “I haven’t thought about it yet.” 

“Maybe you should.” 

As usual, Bora is right. “I like her a lot.” 

Bora circles an arm around her in a comforting embrace. “I know, which is precisely why you should tell her. Maybe not now but… in the future.” 

Siyeon leans into Bora, nodding. “All right. I will.”

“Sounds like a lucky girl,” her best friend says quietly. “I’ve never seen you this way for anyone.”

It’s true. Siyeon has never felt this way for anyone her whole life. “She’s really something, Bora. You should meet her.”

Bora kisses the side of her head sweetly. “I’d love to. I just hope she still likes you even if she thinks your best friend’s leg is gross.” 

“It’s healing well, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Siyeon laughs, taking a peek. Sure, there’s some scabbing and all but Bora’s been starting to walk with a cane and Gahyeon promises her that it’s not forever. 

(“Damn, I think Minji would have liked seeing me with a cane though.” 

Gahyeon groans. “I’d rather not hear about that and you need to stop moving so I can finish your bandage.”) 

-

“It’s gorgeous,” Handong remarks, awestruck. The scimitar she’d been eyeing since the first day was finally purchased when Siyeon had promised to keep it in Gahyeon’s room — where her parents, especially her father, won’t find it. 

In the lookout where they stay in the afternoons where the library was too stuffy, Siyeon brandishes Mintaka. “Now I think it’s an even fight.” 

Handong smiles, but she holds her own blade out, matching Siyeon’s stance. “Is that so, darling?”

“Well if you call me that, it’s not,” Siyeon says, willing the heat that stirs in her stomach to go away, and then she moves forward.

There's a loud clang from their blades meeting, each parry worse than the next one because of each other’s swift swipes. Handong had excellent footwork, and the way she handled her scimitar is with so much discipline as compared to Siyeon’s freer, uncontrolled movements. 

Their blades cross, Siyeon trying to hold off Handong’s attack, their faces so close to each other. “I think you look adorable like this,” she says, and Siyeon steps away to adjust her handle before moving forward to attack, only for Handong to dodge it and kick Mintaka away deftly from Siyeon’s hand. 

Siyeon finds herself with the scimitar pointed at her chest, not unlike the way Handong did so with Mintaka before. Except this time they were both breathing heavily, their cheeks red from the exertion.

The setting sun looks gorgeous, casting an ethereal glow on Handong’s face. The princess, as she always does, pulls all their air from Siyeon’s chest. 

“So pretty,” Siyeon sighs, even as the blade is directed at her chest.

Handong lowers it, looking away and laughing shyly. Siyeon takes it as an opportunity to toss the scimitar to the side and swiftly pulls Handong close. She yelps, and the sudden movement sends them to the ground in a laughing mess. 

“That was unfair,” Handong says, her hands cupping Siyeon’s face and tracing the scar with her thumb. 

“No,” Siyeon replies, “you calling me cute in the middle of our spar was. ” 

The woman above her laughs, her head thrown back, and Siyeon wants to kiss the column of her neck so she does. It earns her a soft hum, Handong moving closer to Siyeon, their hips slotting together comfortably.

Siyeon can’t ever be close enough to Handong even if they’re pressed together like this. 

“What’s also unfair is that no one sees you wield the blade the way you just did,” Siyeon tells her, hands on Handong’s hips, gently rubbing circles through her silk dress. “You’re a warrior, Handong.” 

She deflates, holding on tighter to Siyeon. “My father clearly doesn’t see the value in that.” 

“I’m sorry,” Siyeon says quietly, embracing Handong. She can’t see her face from here, but Siyeon doesn’t need to. “Your father deserves to know how competent you are with the things you value. You’re more than just an heir to the city-state.” 

It had been Handong’s frustration — being the only child of the queen regent, and being under the scrutiny of the royal courts. Her half-siblings from concubines, despite never being considered for the thrones, lived relatively free lives. 

Handong sighs then looks up at Siyeon with her hand tucked between her chin and Siyeon’s chest. “It is what it is.” 

“It doesn’t have to be.” 

Handong stops tracing a pattern on Siyeon’s skin. “What are you proposing?”

In truth, Siyeon doesn’t know. She just wants to let Handong know that the way her life is — subservient to her parents’ wishes and whims — can be changed however Handong sees fit. Siyeon tells her so, and Handong looks at her with so much adoration that Siyeon doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t know if she deserves it. 

Handong leans in close to press their lips together in such a sweet kiss that makes Siyeon’s heart soar. “Thank you,” she murmurs into Siyeon’s lips, then kisses her again. “For all of this. And for taking the scimitar with you while I figure out where I can put it.” 

“Anytime, princess. You know that.” Siyeon is breathless when she speaks again, but as she tucks a stray strand of hair behind Handong’s ears, she realizes she means it with her whole heart. 

-

Bora starts walking and Siyeon can’t contain her happiness. 

A bit wobbly, yes, and she crashes into some of Gahyeon’s herbs, but walks nonetheless. 

“We’re going to have to teach the muscles of your legs how to walk again,” Gahyeon marvels at Bora walking, not even upset about her herbs. “But you’re doing great.” 

“Am I now?” Bora says proudly, very much like her that Siyeon could cry. Even seated or lying down because of her leg, she has always been very much the admiral of the Polaris. Nothing is going to change that. The same way Siyeon will always be the Polaris’ navigator.

-

“I’d like to invite you to a banquet,” Handong says, kissing Siyeon’s palm as they near the secret hedges where Handong breaks and enters every day. 

“A banquet?” Siyeon asks. “What for?” 

“My parents arrived and when they usually do, they hold a banquet for their friends and high ranking officials, and their children interested in marrying me,” the princess replies, obviously beleaguered. Siyeon had known royal functions were a burden for Handong to attend, but somehow the mention of possible prospects for marriage makes it more bothersome than usual. “I’d… rather not attend but my father would be very cross with me. Last time he made sure I never left the palace grounds.” 

“Your father… I don’t like him very much.” 

“Neither do I,” Handong shrugs. “So will you? I’d love to have you with me, I think you’ll make it bearable. If it pleases you, of course.”

Handong looks up through her lashes and Siyeon is gone, absolutely gone. 

“What will I even wear? Won’t they recognize I’m not a child of a ranked official?” 

Handong brandishes something from her bag, handing it to Siyeon. It’s a piece of parchment with the official seal of the White Tiger peninsula’s royal family. “Show this at the gates, they’ll let you in,” Handong tells her, then she reaches into it again to pull out a robe and a mask. “It’s a masquerade since it’s the day of the Masked God. No one will recognize you.” 

Siyeon feels the material of the robe. So pristine and rich. The jackal mask is also lovely — jet black outlined with gold. 

This was Handong’s world. One night won’t hurt. Not when it will make Handong feel better. 

“All right,” Siyeon concedes and the way Handong’s face lights up is worth it already. “When will this be?” 

“Tomorrow night, ” Handong says. She leans closer to kiss Siyeon for the trouble, and it’s so easy to get lost in it. “You’ll look so handsome in this. I can’t wait.” 

Siyeon kisses Handong’s nose, chuckling. “Even if you can’t see my face?” 

“Even if I can’t see your face,” agrees the princess, tracing her scar with unparalleled gentleness. “Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow, child of the water.” 

Being allowed inside didn’t prove much of a problem. Despite some doubt surrounding the parchment and the official seal, she was let in considering that Handong had personally told the gatekeepers to allow Siyeon’s entrance. 

Royal torches in blue lined up the path to the palace, and when Siyeon walks in it’s extremely extravagant - stone and marble and fine metals lining the walls, with paintings created in honor of Handong’s family and ancestors.

Siyeon follows the group of people entering the throne room where the feast would be held. Conversations in dialects she sometimes understands, and when she does it’s obvious these were people of highest statures. 

Siyeon feels out of place, eating the food, observing them. It’s a miracle no one has spotted her as an imposter yet. 

These were the kinds of people she steals from. People who hurt others. People who were the reason behind the suffering of the common folk. 

Before she can ever consider resorting to pickpocket the next royal shithead that says something bad about the fisherfolk, the head of the royal guards announces the start of the banquet. 

“Presenting,” he begins, his voice cutting through the cacophony and silencing it at once. “The royal family.” 

Nothing could have ever prepared Siyeon as she watches Handong descend the stairs from the royal quarters and into the decorated throne room. The way her dress flows behind her, the way it fits her body. Her feline mask is made of silver. 

Even if Handong detested her status as the princess, Siyeon can’t help but witness that it’s a persona she wears so effortlessly. It’s the same Handong she’d seen at the market surrounded by guards, except this time she keeps her eyes on Siyeon, descending the steps carefully. She doesn't even notice Handong's family following suit.

Siyeon, painfully drawn to Handong, can’t look away. Can’t ever think of looking away whenever Handong is in the room. 

And Handong’s eyes almost never leave hers as she dances with men and women interested in marrying her. Over their shoulder, Handong’s sharp eyes through the mask always find Siyeon as she watches with her back to the wall. 

Everyone watches on, even the king and queen seated on their thrones, and witnesses Handong approach Siyeon through the crowd until she’s standing before her. 

Handong smiles, warm and teasing. It’s a show to put on for everyone and Siyeon gladly indulges by taking her hand and pressing a lingering kiss on the back of it.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, your highness?” Siyeon says, her voice low. 

“Dance with me,” Handong replies, pulling her closer, and Siyeon follows. 

The dance is not something she’s very familiar with but she mimics Handong’s movements to the deep beat of the drums. It’s telling a story. She can tell from the movements it’s one of the epics of their deities, and so Siyeon dances it with the utmost respect while admiring the flow of Handong’s body.

She can hear the crowd muttering and murmuring as they watch the dance unfold, their bodies in sync, and Siyeon knows everyone is curious about her, about her identity. 

_Who is this stranger in the jackal mask the crown princess was dancing with? Why are they receiving so much of the princess’ attention?_

The dance ends and Siyeon is sweating and breathing heavily, Handong in the same state when they bow to each other. She’d expected Handong to turn away but she walks closer, has her hand on Siyeon’s shoulder with her lips to her ear. 

“Meet me outside after I leave,” she says quietly, secretively. Everyone watching them dying to know. “I’ll bring you to my quarters.” 

Siyeon nods, and they go their separate ways. 

For the rest of the night at the banquet Siyeon watches and Handong attends to her duties of entertaining her parents despite the downturn of her pink lips. 

Observing the people of the banquet had been a lonely affair until someone’s presence occupies the space at her side. 

“The princess is a lovely young woman,” the man says, and Siyeon looks up to his covered face — his mask resembling a raven’s. “How did you meet her?” 

Siyeon hums. She’s barely intimidated by him, but she worries about Handong’s safety. “We haven’t met prior to this. Sorry to disappoint.” 

“So why would she dance that courtship ritual dance with you and not any of us real suitors?” Now he sounds accusatory, but even so Siyeon can’t fight the blush. A dance of courtship? _Of love, led by Handong?_

“It seems like your problem, not mine,” she says. “You should ask the princess yourself.” 

“Maybe I will,” he replies, offering his hand. He looks her up and down and Siyeon hides Mintaka’s hilt from his view. “Commander Wei. A pleasure to meet you.” 

She is, however, walking away already.

The man in the raven mask doesn’t bother her the rest of the night, but he does watch her whenever he can, which is very unsettling. And so when Handong excuses herself for the night, Siyeon tries to lose his focus on her to follow after a few minutes. 

Once Siyeon makes her way outside the throne room leading to a garden square illuminated by blue torches lining its pathways. At the center is a stone carving of Handong’s father — the same towering figure. 

Siyeon looks up at him, and remembers him from inside the ballroom. This was the man who wished to control Handong’s every move. How he looked so similar to her but nothing alike astounds her. Siyeon didn’t have an ounce of trust in him. 

If only he knew how much Handong wished to escape his palace and the life he wanted her to live.

There’s a hand on hers, tugging her away. Siyeon almost draws Mintaka, but the palm in hers is so familiar. Handong pulls her, running, and Siyeon can’t help but match her pace.

“Faster, slowpoke!” Handong whisper-yells, her smile bright and happy even if half of her face is hidden by her mask. Siyeon laughs, tightens her grip on Handong’s hand as they run past statues and up the staircases not populated with guards. 

The crown princess’ quarters aren’t far off but they don’t enter from what Siyeon expects are massive doors. Instead, Handong climbs up some stones and into the window. She goes first, doing it smoothly, and extending a hand to Siyeon. 

“Don’t be scared, darling,” she teases, “it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.” 

Siyeon rolls her eyes and follows suit — less graceful, zero finesse, but she makes it to the top and nearly topples into her lover. Siyeon takes off her mask just as Handong does and she isn’t fully prepared to see Handong’s face painted with royal colors — charcoal lining her eyes and gold at the rims of it as if she were crying the precious metal. As if she were a Goddess. 

(She's probably as close to a Goddess anyone can be.) 

There’s no real crying however, because Handong’s face lights up seeing Siyeon’s, hands reaching out to pull her closer. They laugh quietly on the floor of Handong’s quarters, their foreheads pressed together. 

At one point they’ve moved to Handong’s bed, protected from the world by the thin curtains surrounding them. Siyeon takes the initiative to wipe Handong’s face until the paint transfers to the cloth and Handong sits in front of her, barefaced and still as beautiful. 

Handong traces Siyeon’s scar. “You were so handsome tonight,” she says, her lips just ghosting Siyeon’s like the tease that she is. “You’re always handsome… and you came out here. For me.” 

“Anything you want in this world, princess,” Siyeon replies, trying to get a bit closer. “Even me.” 

Handong finally relents and presses close, their lips meeting in a torrid kiss that sends all of Siyeon’s other kisses to shame. There’s no gentleness here except craving and wanting and heat and Siyeon feels herself burn inside from the way Handong pushes her back onto her bed to sit astride her body, moving against Siyeon and oh, it’s so much, but Siyeon wants more. 

The candles on the bedside cast a dim glow on Handong’s face when she pulls away, disheveled and panting. Some gold still specks her face, glittering with the light, and her long, brown hair another curtain shielding them from the world. 

Handong sighs, touching Siyeon’s face. “I do want you,” she says, “more than anyone else I’ve wanted my whole life.” 

When Siyeon says, “I want you too,” she realizes she means it, so Siyeon pulls Handong closer and kisses her again, the fire between them growing and growing that Siyeon sheds the royal robes from tonight and Handong’s too. It doesn't escape her how these clothes were ones they both pretended to wear. 

Handong’s skin is a map of moles, forming constellations. Siyeon is a navigator by nature, so she maps it with her hands, listens to her sighs and moans and every single reaction Handong has to touching her. 

It’s the same as watching the sky, and listening to the sea. It comes naturally to Siyeon. And when Handong comes in waves, making the loveliest sounds on top of her, gripping Siyeon’s shoulders and kissing her to muffle the noises, Siyeon lets it happen. Siyeon lets Handong sink into her body like an anchor. Siyeon lets Handong’s hands wander, exploratory but eager.

While Siyeon was a navigator, Handong was a warrior - even in secret. She finds Siyeon’s pleasure points with precision that in a matter of moments, Siyeon comes, biting into Handong’s shoulder to stay quiet. Her back arches and her breathing stops for a moment and it feels like the sweet kind of death until it doesn't — like holding her breath too much underwater and then breathing in a gasp of air to live.

When they lay together in Handong's bed, their hearts thump like rabbits running in the wild. Their chests pressed together, they beat as one, each one never one behind the other. Siyeon caresses Handong's back, her sharp shoulder blades like wings, and she feels the same amount of reverence from the way Handong runs her hands over the jut of her hipbones. 

Handong stands to fetch water for the two of them, separating the thin silk and padding quietly to retrieve Siyeon’s robe. She slips it on but not without looking over her shoulder to wink at Siyeon, and the warmth in her stomach grows at the sight even if they’ve just come down from the high a few moments ago.

“Now who’s the handsome one?” Siyeon teases when Handong comes back with water, Siyeon’s robes barely tied around the waist. It exposed the valley of Handong’s chest decorated with the marks Siyeon left. 

“You patronize me,” Handong replies, drinking some water and offering some to Siyeon who is admittedly used to ale. 

“Never, princess,” Siyeon tells her, looking up. She pouts, asking for a kiss that Handong gives freely. It’s soft, too much smiles, but Siyeon pulls Handong back down into the bed to press their skin together once more until Handong sidles up next to her. 

Siyeon plays with her hair, twirling it. Handong’s hand makes circles on her bare chest. “So this is your life as the princess.” 

Handong laughs softly. “Isn’t it awful?” 

“I’ll be honest and say it does a bit,” she presses a kiss to Handong’s forehead. “You feel like you don’t belong.” 

The princess shakes her head. “No, not at all.” 

Siyeon wants to say it. Siyeon wants to entertain the thoughts that come to her at night when she lays in bed back in the apothecary with her mind drifting to Handong without fail. 

Siyeon wants to say come with me, leave this place, but she isn’t sure if she’s ready for what Handong could possibly tell her, good or bad. 

_Come with me and be free,_ Siyeon doesn’t say, but when she holds Handong a little tighter she hopes she’ll have the courage to say those words soon. 

For now, she holds Handong close and feels the way their hearts beat almost in sync, like several waves crashing against the shore. 

-

“Nervous, your highness?” 

Siyeon laughs when Handong pouts. The princess blows a stray strand of hair from her eyes, looking painfully adorable that Siyeon has to kiss her. “Not at all,” Handong lies when they pull away. 

“They’re just my friends,” consoles Siyeon. “You meet with high ranking officials often. This doesn’t hold a candle to that.” 

“I never cared about those people,” she says. “But I care about you and I care about the people you care about.” 

That makes Siyeon’s heart soar. She smooths down Handong’s casual robes, busying herself with that instead of swooning. 

Handong is generally charming, but there were moments that always made Siyeon want to faint. “Don’t worry,” she murmurs, kissing her again just because. “You’ll be fine.” 

Gahyeon is starstruck and Bora is a shameless flirt as usual, something Minji only ever laughs at because she knows Bora never truly means it. Minji, as well, is not immune to beautiful women. 

“No ‘your highness’ please,” Handong tells the two of them when Gahyeon moves to bow. Bora, on the other hand, doesn’t even consider it. “Just Handong.” 

It’s not difficult for Handong to feel in place with Bora and Gahyeon, who are extremely set on embarrassing Siyeon. Gahyeon, with the way Siyeon pouts when she gets back from their afternoons together. Bora, with her wealth of embarrassing childhood stories of Siyeon. 

“I’ve heard of you, healer,” Handong tells Gahyeon. “Your expertise has helped the people of the White Tiger greatly. You should be rewarded.” 

Gahyeon blushes, shaking her head. “Seeing people well and healthy is enough for me,” she says, but Siyeon feels Bora kick her slightly under the table. “Though some more resources and expeditions to learn about other city-state’s healing methods can be useful.” 

Handong nods, pensive, in the same way Siyeon knows when she tries to remember something. 

As Gahyeon shows Handong her collection of herbs, Bora taps Siyeon’s hand. “I like her. She has a good soul, you know, for a royal. If she truly wanted to be one of them, she wouldn’t be here with us.” 

Bora’s dislike for royal and rich people comes rooted from her experience of poverty, after being born in a royal palace where they’d mistreated their servants - Bora’s mother, specifically. 

Siyeon watches as Handong nods excitedly, learning about the roots and herbs from Gahyeon, who is just as ecstatic. “She hates it so much. If only you knew.”

Bora laughs softly, drinking from her cup. “Well, have you asked her?”

“Asked her what?”

“If she wants to come with you.” 

_Ah_. “I’d considered it,” Siyeon replies, truthfully. “But…” 

She’s afraid of Handong’s answer. The rejection of Handong’s ‘no’, of her choosing to live this life that she does out of duty, against her will. 

Shrugging, Bora leans back. “I don’t know. Better to ask than to mope about it for the rest of our lives together on the Polaris. ” When Siyeon protests, Bora rolls her eyes. “Please. We all know that’s what you’re going to do after this whether we like it or not.” 

Siyeon’s eyes find Handong’s again, who meets hers and gives her a small, shy smile. 

It’s almost comical, where she is right now. Falling for Handong the way she did, and having to leave to return to her home on the Polaris. 

She’d considered finding this place a miracle, but in some ways it was a curse. Sometimes the Goddess was kind as she was cruel; calling Siyeon to live as she wished on The Polaris, but leading her here to fall in love with the princess bound by her duty.

“Ask her. Who knows what she’ll say?” Bora says with finality. Soft, kind, understanding, but with an underlying sense of pity that makes Siyeon’s heart hurt. “There’s always space for refuge on the Polaris.”

-

The cold water washes over her skin that she feels it soak until her bones. Her ears still ring. _There’s so much blood. Bora, stay awake, please,_ Siyeon cries, but it’s futile because Bora doesn’t move. Bora doesn’t respond. 

Another explosion shakes her eardrums and - 

Siyeon sits up abruptly, her heart beating a mile a minute. Beads of sweat trickle from her forehead and down her neck. Beside her, Handong stirs. The bed in the spare room in Gahyeon’s apothecary didn’t leave much space for the two of them - but it wasn’t as if Siyeon wished to be away from Handong especially when they were sleeping. 

“Darling?” Handong calls out, and it soothes the raging heartbeat inside Siyeon’s rib cage in an instant. “Are you all right?” 

Through heaving breaths, Siyeon shakes her head. “Nightmare. The same dream again. I’m sorry to wake you.” 

Handong looks up at her with furrowed brows and a worried pout, and Siyeon feels her panic subside. Handong sits up, pressing a kiss to Siyeon’s cheek and lets Siyeon pinch the skin of the back of her hand. “What can I do?” 

Her hands are still shaking when she kisses the back of Handong’s hand. “Tell me something about your childhood.” 

“Hmm,” she spends a few moments to ponder then comes up with something. “When I didn’t want to be tutored, I’d often ask one of my half-siblings to go to the lessons for me. My poor old teacher couldn’t tell the difference - and he was a boy!” 

Siyeon laughs, feeling better already. “I wish I could pull that off back in the orphanage,” she says. There wasn’t much to remember about her old life, but she did remember the good parts. “The monks could tell us apart from a mountain away. I only ever left to join my friends to bathe in the streams and catch shiny fish we’d cook later.” 

She yelps from a small pinch to her side. “Troublemaker…” 

“Says you!” 

“Do you ever think of going back to your hometown?” Handong asks, thoughtful. Siyeon presses her cheek to Handong’s to seek more warmth. 

Honestly, Siyeon hasn’t thought about going back unless she’d missed it and its delicacies severely. Though the moments she’d spent there were always pleasant with due credit to Minji and Bora. 

“Sometimes,” she answers. “Would you like to see it?” 

This is Siyeon, afraid, asking. Trying. Testing the waters. Her heart picks up its pace, and it doesn’t slow down even as Handong answers with a: “that sounds lovely, maybe someday.” 

It isn’t a no but it also isn’t a yes, but Siyeon holds on to it regardless. 

-

It isn’t difficult to fall in love with Handong. Siyeon is sure of the sea, and she is also sure of the headfirst dive of being painfully in love with the crown princess of the White Tiger peninsula. 

How can anyone expect her not to - when Handong kisses her the way she does, holds her the way she does, defeats her in their sparring sessions. Bora jokes about how she looks at Handong as if she were the sun, and Siyeon can’t help it. Can’t even hide it or be embarrassed. 

“You look happy,” Siyeon says, when she sees Handong hum happily while reading some ancient maps she looked forward to showing Siyeon, asking to describe what the places were now and if Siyeon had been there. She doesn’t know how this could be the aloof person the first few times they’ve met prior to Handong taking her to her favorite view of the city. 

“I feel like I’ve been learning about the world from you,” Handong tells her. In the most secluded parts of the library, Handong has her hood down and somehow looking at her is something Siyeon will never get used to. The way the sun shines from the window and on Handong casts such an ethereal glow that Siyeon, someone who adores maps, would rather spend her time observing Handong’s features - sculpted so lovingly by the Goddess of the Sun. 

Siyeon has seen many things but the love Handong has in her eyes - solely for Siyeon - is something she can never find anywhere else in this realm. 

-

Bora groans loudly as soon as she steps out of the apothecary, feeling the sun on her skin for the first time outside. It’s almost obscene and Gahyeon pulls a face and shushes her for being embarrassing. 

She sports a cane - has been for some time - but Siyeon can see that she relies on it less and less. In no time Bora will be able to walk without it. 

Today, they head to the market on the seventh day of the week where there were exclusive spices from the Southeast regions, and maybe see Handong for a while to eat and see sights Bora has been insisting the princess take her to. 

It’s been two days since she’d last seen Handong, but Siyeon doesn’t really look into it. Sometimes she was beleaguered with her royal duties as the princess. 

“Where’s your lady?” Bora says, but her eyes are on the sacks of spices. It looks like she’s about to haggle like no one’s business. Siyeon pities the storeowner already. 

Siyeon shrugs. She really doesn’t know, so the odd ache she has in her stomach is something she doesn’t understand. 

There’s a commotion, then, and Siyeon’s first instinct is to shield Bora and Gahyeon from the people rushing to move. 

The last time she’d seen something like that was when—

“Make way for the crown Princess Handong and Prince Yubin of the central region!” 

It feels surreal, like a dream, seeing Handong walking and surrounded by guards. As usual, the mask is there. As usual, she pretends. Siyeon knows that much. 

What she doesn’t know is who the person beside her was — dressed to match their title. Of smaller stature. Their hair, framing their small, handsome face. 

“Is that the princess’ betrothéd?” A shopkeeper says and Siyeon doesn’t fully understand it until Handong leans closer, listening to whatever the prince has to say, and laughs behind her hand. 

The smile, however, drops when she catches Siyeon’s gaze amongst the sea of people watching, waving, showing adoration for the two. It cuts through the crowd and shakes Siyeon’s core. 

Unlike before, Handong’s brows furrow. She looks worried. As if seeing Siyeon physically pains her. 

She, however, does nothing. She stays where she is. She keeps doing what she does. Walking past her but not without their eyes lingering longer. 

Behind them, a hulking man accompanies the princess and the prince, and Siyeon recognizes his stature. His stance. His weapon. Commander Wei, the man in the raven mask from the banquet. 

He scans the crowd, and Siyeon isn’t sure if the way his eyes linger on hers as the royal party moves forward was a figment of her imagination, or a consequential effect of her heart breaking into pieces.

It’s hard to breathe, it really is. It’s the crowd. It’s the humidity. It’s seeing Handong with someone else, and Handong not even acknowledging her even if it’s to protect all of them — not just Siyeon, but also Bora and Gahyeon. 

The piercing in her chest doesn’t seem to recognize that. It hurts, and she barely recognizes Bora pulling her away with a firm, “let’s get you out of here, mate. C’mon.” 

Siyeon lies on the side, her knees pulled up to her chest. Bora and Gahyeon sit with her, letting her simmer with what she’d just seen, but Gahyeon gives the two of them a moment of privacy to make their supper and brew Siyeon some tea. 

“Did you know about that?” Bora asks. 

Siyeon shakes her head. “I haven’t seen her for days but that’s normal.” 

Humming, Bora sits beside her and wraps an arm around Siyeon’s shoulders, but not before making her sit up. “I’m sorry, Sing,” she says, holding her closer. Sometimes Bora’s touch and love alone can mend the way her ribs feel broken. 

Siyeon sighs and Bora takes the opportunity to lighten the mood. “I’d say I’d try to beat her ass but I don’t want to hurt her pretty face,” Bora says. Her casual attraction to Handong was always something Siyeon found funny and adorable. 

Laughing feels like lifting a bed of rocks from her chest. She looks up at Bora and pouts — her secret weapon to get what she wants from Minji and Bora. “Even for me?” 

When Bora rolls her eyes and laughs, she knows she’s won. “Hmm, maybe I’ll consider it.” 

Gahyeon calls out from the kitchen, saying supper is ready. Siyeon’s stomach growls in response, so Bora pulls her to her feet to have a meal and some tea instead of ale. 

Siyeon chooses to sleep on her own for now, in a separate room where she and Handong usually stay. Which is a terrible idea, of course, because all Siyeon wants is Handong next to her and she can’t wipe the image away of Handong - in all her royal pretenses - and her betrothéd, a prince who was admittedly just as beautiful as she was. 

She was just a lowly pirate. 

Her heart twinges in her chest again and Siyeon curls into her pillow even more, hoping for the ache to go away. 

In the dead of the night there’s a knock on her door. Which wouldn’t be Bora because she never knocks, so it’s most likely Gahyeon after another nightmare and wanting to sleep beside Siyeon, feeling safer with Mintaka just an arm’s length away. 

Her back turned from the doorway, Siyeon teases Gahyeon but she scoots closer to the wall already. “Can’t sleep?” 

“Unfortunately,” she says, but it’s not Gahyeon. Siyeon looks over her shoulder to see that it’s Handong, standing in the middle of the room with her signature cloak tucked underneath her arm. Her face has a deep frown, and her eyes are puffy as if she’d been crying. 

“Oh,” is all Siyeon says, as if her stomach twists into countless knots the same way her heart is at this very moment. Even when she wants her close, Siyeon turns away, unwilling to look at her. “Why are you here?” 

“I don’t know…” Handong says, shakily. Siyeon still doesn’t look at her, and after a few moments, Handong says it again. “I don’t know, Siyeon.” 

Giving her the cold shoulder is so difficult, but it proves near impossible when Handong asks: “can I come closer?” 

Siyeon, of course, is powerless to this girl. She says yes, and Handong does. Each painful twinge is somewhat dulled the closer Handong is to her; when she slides into the bed and slots herself against Siyeon’s back, when she presses her face between Siyeon’s shoulder blades.

“Are you angry?” Handong asks softly, her voice muffled by Siyeon’s underclothes. 

“No,” Siyeon replies. It’s a lie. She’s angry at herself for feeling the way she does, and angry at Handong for not telling her even if she had no control over it. She’s angry at the Goddesses for letting that be the way she finds out. “Maybe a little bit. Sad, too.” 

The arms around her tighten and somehow that makes all her resolve melt away. She turns and looks at Handong fully. The moonlight streaming from the window makes her skin glow, and Siyeon is reminded of how potent her feelings for Handong are. “Somehow that doesn’t make it better,” Handong murmurs, her lip trembling. Her often sharp and alert eyes, soft and shining with tears unshed. 

_Oh_ , how these four moons she’d spent freefalling into loving this woman was like jumping into the ocean with nothing left to lose. 

(But they both did.) 

“So will you tell me who that was?” Siyeon asks. This time, her hand caresses Handong’s face.

The princess sighs, nodding. “Prince Yubin of the central region. My family arranged for our marriage a few days ago,” Handong says quietly, as if she, too, was in disbelief. “Their family is trying to acquire more power. To build an empire. If I married their crown prince that means they have the peninsula to give them a good maritime front to become a formidable opponent.” 

“A good trading port and a monopoly to the access of the White Tiger’s goods through the central regions,” Siyeon understands, and her lover nods. Handong talks of politics of the regions most times with disdain and frustration. This is no different. 

“I’m just a pawn,” Handong sighs. “So is the prince. They’re… in love with the princess of the north. Yoohyeon. But their families’ tension is... irreconcilable.” 

Siyeon chuckles lightly. “You royal lot and your conflict.” 

Handong laughs lightly, snuggling in closer. “It’s awful,” she says as she plays with the strings holding Siyeon’s undershirt together. “Prince Yubin is a gentle soul. A scholar and lover of the arts. They only want to be in the library, learning. Now they’re dragged into this whole mess.” 

Siyeon sighs. That Yubin did seem kind. She always had a good sense of people. “And what about you? What would you want?” 

Handong looks at Siyeon, eyes soft. Warm. Her brows are furrowed as she traces the scar of Siyeon’s face with aching tenderness. “I just want to be with you,” she says, quietly but it echoes within Siyeon she feels it in her very core. 

Siyeon takes her hand in hers, pinching the soft skin of the back of it. “But your duties.” 

Handong closes her eyes, as if the mention of it is so unpleasant to her. Perhaps it is. She does, however, nod and the mending of Siyeon’s heart with Handong’s presence is undone in a moment’s notice. 

“The betrothal ceremony is in a fortnight,” Handong says, sighing. When she pulls her hand away, Siyeon holds it closer to her. She nods, even if it feels like her ribs are closing in on her inner organs. 

“We have time.”

Handong looks at her. “Do we?” 

(They don’t, and they both know it.) 

She doesn’t know if she dreams that Handong leaves before the wake of dawn, whispering sweet nothings into Siyeon’s ear. 

-

It’s harder to see Handong these days leading up to the betrothal, and Siyeon misses her terribly. She doesn’t know how else to reach her. It’s not as if they’d let in a stranger - much less a pirate - within the palace grounds just to see her lover. Even if she’d sneak in the way Handong does, if they do find her it’s the gallows or the sea she goes. 

Sometimes she misses Handong it almost makes it worth it. 

A few days after their night together, Gahyeon is called to the palace. Prince Yubin seeks counsel regarding an ache in their knee. Of course, Gahyeon goes, leaving Siyeon and Bora back at the apothecary to watch it while she’s away.

What Siyeon doesn’t expect is for Gahyeon to come back with a note from Handong. It’s a small piece of papyrus with Handong’s legible handwriting in Siyeon’s own dialect and writing - something not even Gahyeon would understand. 

“The prince didn’t really have any ailments and seemed too happy to help Handong in giving you this,” Gahyeon tells her, a wide smile on her face. Siyeon doesn’t even hide how over the moon she is. “Now can you please stop pouting? You’re too cute for me to finish my work.” 

_I wish for you to understand that you have occupied my thoughts at all moments throughout the day and throughout the night._

_When I sleep beside the prince, it is you whom I wish to hold and to be held by._

_You are severely missed by me, child of the water._

_Do you miss me? Do you miss your loving --_

_HD_

Siyeon asks for some paper and an inked brush. It feels painfully sappy, but she is beyond caring. _You are missed by me, as well. Be safe. Come visit when you can._

Gahyeon delivers it the next time she’s summoned to the palace and it becomes a routine. Gahyeon is sent to the palace every other day to check on Prince Yubin’s ailment, only for Handong to slip in a piece of paper of things she wishes to tell Siyeon.

Siyeon almost feels sorry, but Gahyeon receives hefty compensation for the trouble and Siyeon buys the healer her favorite sweets from the market as thanks. 

Siyeon keeps it in her leather pouch where her personal map and bound papyrus papers are kept. 

All of it. Even if never sees Handong again, at least she will have this memory. 

At least she will have these letters and when someone unearths her works and writings, they’ll see how much Handong loved her - even if they never know who HD was, or to whom HD sent these letters. 

-

“They’ll be here soon,” Bora says, folding Minji’s message. She’d sent back Bora’s falcon sent by the Polaris, whom she was ecstatic to see. “They’ll be some ways away into the ocean to avoid being scouted. We only got past them because we were just a small boat and it rained as hard as it did.” 

“How long?” 

“Less than a fortnight, probably,” The admiral says, sighing. “By then we’d spent almost four moons here.” 

Four months seems such a short time. Siyeon nods, feeling her heart sink that this will all be over too soon. 

“Would you be ready, by then?” Bora asks, picking up on Siyeon’s mood. There’s nothing in the world she can hide from her. 

She nods. It’s a lie, and they both know it, but Bora doesn’t say anything. “We have to go back. We belong on the Polaris.” 

Bora reaches out to clasp Siyeon’s hand in hers. “Yes, we do. But it’s all right to miss places you love. I’ll miss this apothecary. I’ll miss Gahyeon and Handong and the markets.” 

Unbidden, a tear rolls down her cheek and Bora wipes it away, like she always does. 

-

The city is abuzz on the day of the betrothal ceremony — their beloved crown princess, promised to the gentle and handsome Prince Yubin. There are white, orange, and yellow flowers everywhere to commemorate the future union of the two forces, and food shared by the community. Siyeon wants to enjoy it, wants to partake in the festivities but there is a constant ache in her heart and stomach that can’t seem to go away. 

Against Bora’s suggestion of staying at the apothecary, Siyeon walks to the city to see the commotions. A crowd gathers in front of the palace, waiting for the appearance at the balcony, and Siyeon thinks she’s ready. Siyeon thinks she won’t be affected. 

She, however, could not be anymore wrong. 

Handong and Prince Yubin step out, wearing the color of the other’s lineages. Around their necks are lotuses as well as gold and silver necklaces Siyeon assumes are one of the many royal dowries. 

Handong looks ethereal in yellow, the noon sun high in the sky making her look like a goddess in the heavens. She smiles - though it doesn’t reach her eyes - and waves, and too far up to even notice that Siyeon is in the crowd. 

Seeing her up there makes Siyeon think of her recent letter. 

_I want you to know that when the ceremony takes place, I will be thinking of you._

She should have listened to Bora. 

Siyeon turns away, her chest aching, unable to take any more of this. 

There’s a knock on her door as she polishes Handong’s scimitar, and Gahyeon pops it open. “Sing,” she says, and Siyeon half expects her to hop onto the bed because of a nightmare until: “she’s here.” 

Gahyeon makes way to let Handong in, still cloaked, and when she removes it her face is still painted. She smells like flowers from today’s ceremonies. Siyeon rushes to embrace her, and Handong returns it with fervor — wrapping her arms around Siyeon’s neck. 

They haven’t seen each other for many nights save for their notes. The short time apart is made worse by the fact that Siyeon knows she will be promised to another and that one of these days she’ll be back on the Polaris, sailing away from this place, never to see her again. 

“Oh, Siyeon,” Handong weeps, her face buried in Siyeon’s neck. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” 

“Shh,” Siyeon says, pulling her closer to the bed so they can lay down. Her heart aches, and aches, even when Handong is in her arms. For some moments all Handong does is apologize — Siyeon doesn’t know what for anymore. 

Siyeon kisses Handong, and her kisses taste like tears, like the sea. She chases that, and Handong kisses her deeper, leaning into Siyeon and straddling her to be closer. 

The tears stop and are replaced with desperation. Hands pull at clothes, and Siyeon tries to touch as much as she can, trying to commit the way Handong feels to her memory. 

As if she could ever forget in the first place.

It’s fast and desperate but also incredibly tender. Handong holds Siyeon’s face the entire time, even as their pleasure dawns on both their features. 

The kisses they share after are soft, inviting, and so full of love Siyeon hasn’t had the courage to tell her yet. 

Siyeon wants to say: _I love you._

What she says is: “Handong, I’m leaving. Quite soon.” 

The moment is shattered, and Handong holds on to her arm a little more tightly. “Is this because of the betrothal?” 

Siyeon shakes her head. “The Polaris is coming for us, as Minji promised. I have to return. It’s my home.” 

Handong frowns. “I didn’t think it would be so soon.” 

Neither did Siyeon. The past months she’d spent in this city-state was one of the happiest she’s been outside of the ship. 

Then Handong looks up at her, a question in her eyes, and Siyeon doesn’t want to hear it because it will break her heart to say no, or break her own heart enough to consider being away from the life she loved to lead. 

_Stay_ , Handong’s eyes plead, but she does not say it. 

“I can’t,” Siyeon tells her, answering her silent question. Her voice breaks in the middle. “You know that.” Handong puts her head on Siyeon’s chest — she can probably feel the thundering of her heartbeat. “But you…” 

This is her chance. This is Siyeon’s chance to ask.

“But you…” she begins. She doesn’t know how to put the fact that maybe the ‘someday’ Handong promised her can be so soon. “The Polaris always has space for another.” 

Siyeon isn’t prepared for the conflict that takes over Handong’s face. The desire to throw everything away and take on the offer of a new life, but also: 

“But my duties...” she sighs, and it seems as if she were trying to convince herself more than Siyeon. 

That was the ‘no’ Siyeon had expected. It hurt, still. She doesn't know why. 

“There will be a war soon, regardless, I can feel it,” Handong says, “And I’ll be a pawn, but if that means that it’ll hurt fewer people…”

Siyeon has to disagree, tucking her hand behind her head. “All that suffering for nothing but the egos of men.” 

Handong sighs, already visibly upset. Her will to stay is flimsy, but it’s still there. “Let’s not talk about the war. I just want to be with you.” 

Siyeon kisses her forehead and pulls the sheet over them. She savors the way her body is slotted into Handong’s, fitting every crevice perfectly. She threads her hair into Handong’s, still smelling sweet of the expensive oils from today’s celebration. It mixes terribly with the knotting of Siyeon’s stomach. 

The woman she loves, betrothed to another. 

_Goddess_ , Siyeon prays to the heavens as she drifts into sleep, _whatever happens, please keep her safe._

-

“T _omorrow night, an escape boat will be in the eastern shores — a relative blind spot as compared to the other posts,_ ” Bora reads from the paper that came in from her falcon. “ _Be ready. We will be out at sea to receive you._ ” 

The realization is sobering that tomorrow, they’ll be leaving this place behind. It will be years, possibly, until they see it again. Years until she will see Gahyeon and Handong and the rest of the White Tiger peninsula. 

“You heard the captain,” Bora sighs. She knows, without saying, whatever Siyeon is feeling right now. “You should, you know… go see your lady. It would help.” 

Say your farewells goes unsaid. Bora has always been too soft on her, especially these past few days. Siyeon knows it’s the right thing to do. 

Bora stands, Alnilam in her hand - freshly polished. She knows they’re all itching to have their triplet blades together in the same place. Siyeon misses Minji and the seas and the ship so much it hurts. “I’ll be here,” Bora tells her, squeezes Siyeon’s shoulder. “You’ll be fine.” 

It’s a beautiful night and it’s so unfortunate it will be their last together. 

_For now,_ Siyeon wishes but she doesn’t put too much hope in it. 

It’s filled with softness and desperation, sweet nothings and tears but also quiet laughter that they refuse to share with the rest of the world. 

How lucky she was that the princess of the White Tiger peninsula - smart as a whip, so beautiful - could ever love her the way she does. Look at her the way she does. Tear up at the thought of separation the way she does. 

She presses a sweet, lingering kiss to Handong’s forehead. “What were the chances the Goddess of the Sea would lead me here,” Siyeon says, playing with Handong’s hair. “To the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on.” 

“Flatterer,” Handong laughs and Siyeon chases to taste it. The giggles taste sweet, but somehow they turn into quiet hiccups. Then there are tears. Then there are sobs. 

“I’m happy our paths crossed, princess,” she says, even as her voice breaks. Her head hurts from the crying. Siyeon is known to have a soft soul but she’s never had to shed this much tears. 

Handong kisses Siyeon’s cheeks. Now it’s her turn to wipe the tears that spill over. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll ever forget you.” 

“You better not,” Siyeon jokes to lighten the mood even if her ribs feel like closing in on her. “Not when I won’t either. Not when this doesn’t have to be the last time.” 

Perhaps she’ll see Handong in a few years. Happily married to Prince Yubin with a little family of their own. Ruling over the peninsula and ushering it into another age of prosperity. 

Maybe by then she could travel the world, see all the libraries. Maybe she would be an excellent and doting mother to her children. 

It hurts right now. It might hurt, even then, but Handong being happy is the only thing she could want. 

Handong looks up, her eyes red and shining. Her face, pensive. Siyeon doesn’t know what she’s thinking until: “I love you.” 

There it is. Even if Siyeon had known, it’s always still hard to believe. “Why me? You could have loved anyone and you loved a pirate.”

Handong shrugs, frowning. “I didn’t love you for the sole reason you were a pirate,” she says as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, clearly missing that Siyeon was partially teasing her. “I love you because you’re Siyeon.” 

She traces Siyeon’s scar, continuing. “So brave and gentle and charming. A golden heart no mineral on this earth can outshine,” she smiles. “How can anyone else compare to you?”

Siyeon kisses her and kisses her and kisses her. 

“I love you too,” she says, with finality. Their foreheads are pressed together. It feels right. She’s never said it to anyone but it feels right. 

It has always felt right with Handong, and Siyeon is afraid it won’t feel this way with anyone ever again.

They spend the rest of the night in each other’s embrace. Handong risks being caught, insisting to stay even after dawn breaks. 

When she slips on her robes, Siyeon watches from the bed, committing it to memory. Somehow, it doesn’t feel as painful as before, now knowing Handong loved her. 

Somehow, she feels hopeful that she’ll see her again, even if she sees her married to another. 

“Can I see you one last time?” Siyeon asks, standing and wrapping her arms around Handong, her back to Siyeon’s front. Their bodies are warm despite the temperatures lowering for the autumn solstice. “I want to see the city with you before leaving. At our lookout.”

Handong turns and laughs, though it doesn’t reach her eyes. “That’s _my lookout_.”

“It doesn’t have your name on it, princess.”

The first time she’d said that feels like ages ago. Handong smiles, fond, and Siyeon feels the way she loves her from her gentle gaze. “Whatever pleases you, child of the water.”

-

Saying goodbye to Gahyeon proves itself more difficult than Siyeon had initially anticipated. 

Bora is off to the market to purchase some last-minute goods to bring, and Siyeon - fully packed, all her belongings in her pouch and Mintaka strapped to her hip, stands in the middle of Gahyeon’s quaint apothecary. 

“I don't know how we’ll ever repay you for your kindness and hospitality,” Siyeon starts, her hand on Gahyeon’s cheek. “But we will try our hardest.” 

Tears leak from Gahyeon’s eyes as she closes the space between them in a sweet embrace. “Promise me you’ll visit,” she says fiercely, and Siyeon can never say no to her. “And my herbs.” 

“And your herbs.” 

Siyeon wipes Gahyeon’s tears away with her thumb. “This place is going to be lonely without you two.”

Gahyeon had mentioned that prior to them running into her at the coast, she was alone in the apothecary. Siyeon and Bora filled up those empty spaces well, the four moons they’ve been here. 

“We’ll visit,” Siyeon promises again. “You have my word.” 

-

Siyeon climbs up to their lookout, Handong’s scimitar in hand. She would want to have it after she’d told Siyeon she found an excellent place to hide it. Prince Yubin, despite choosing the life of the arts and letters, was also incredibly skilled with the sword. They had agreed to claim the scimitar as their own. 

She prepares herself to see Handong one last time, taking the last step until reaching the top of the lookout. 

When she does get there, it is the same view of the city. 

But the person who stands at the center of it isn’t Handong. 

Hearing the rustling of the leaves under Siyeon’s shoes, the man turns back. 

Commander Wei. 

Siyeon almost makes a run for it but the way he glares at her keeps Siyeon in place. His eyes travel to Mintaka on her hip and they flash with recognition. 

“Stranger in the jackal mask,” he begins. “From the banquet. I should have known.” 

Siyeon steps back. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Wei rolls his eyes. “Let’s not waste each other’s time,” he says, walking closer. Siyeon tightens her grip on the scimitar, and the other on Mintaka’s hilt, ready to be drawn. “If you come with me, no one will get hurt.” 

When Siyeon doesn’t back down, Wei continues. “Not even our precious princess.”

That’s what makes Siyeon point her swords at the man. “What did you do to her?!” She demands, her blood boiling. “ _Where is she_?”

“The princess is locked in a tower in the palace. After she’d called off the wedding to that damned prince she’d escaped to this place, where I followed here with some of my troops,” He explains and Siyeon’s stomach drops with worry at the thought of Handong locked away. “His Majesty was not pleased by her disobedience.” 

Locked away, because of _her._ “You’re lying. You’re lying!” 

Siyeon wants to slash at his face when he laughs. “Why don’t you see for yourself, scum?” He replies. “If His Majesty finds out the princess has been… fornicating with a pirate, he won’t hesitate to end her life.” 

No. No. _No_! 

She surges forward and he dodges her blade, enough for her to draw his own sword and point it at her throat the same way she is doing the same right now. 

“If you come with me and turn yourself in, the consequences will be significantly less,” Wei tells her, his voice strained. A mere bob of his throat can tear against Mintaka. “She will not be harmed in exchange for your life.” 

“If I find out you’re lying,” Siyeon threatens him, adding the slightest pressure that it draws blood from Wei’s skin. “you will regret it.” 

When Siyeon lowers Mintaka, Wei sighs but still appears triumphant despite the blood trickling down his throat. “Come and save your princess, pirate scum.” 

-

The floor of the jail cell is cold and unforgiving, and Siyeon sits with her back against the stone wall. The shackles are heavy on her ankles. 

She was tossed into this cell with the rest of the criminals in the peninsula, ridiculed for being a pirate. They threw on her thin linen instead of the robes of the common folk. 

It’s nothing, as long as Handong is safe. As long as no one lays a finger on her.

A guard drops her food in a tray. “Eat, scum.” 

Siyeon doesn’t move to get it. She doesn’t see the point. She wonders about Bora and Gahyeon. Wonders where they could be. She knows Bora is out looking for her but she’d disappeared from the lookout and without a trace. 

It would be wise for Bora and Gahyeon to leave. They’ve been associated, and the locals probably knew who they were and the fact they were with Siyeon.

Knowing Bora, she’s going to stay and keep looking. 

They’ll probably see her be paraded then thrown into the sea. Siyeon feels sorry for them already. 

In the morning, she dies, but Siyeon isn’t afraid. 

“—yeon… _Siyeon_!” 

It jolts Siyeon awake, and the metal shackles to her ankles shake with the movement. Her eyes adjust to the darkness of the cell, and she sees a hooded figure kneeling before the bars. 

Siyeon doesn’t recognize the voice, and the person pulls their mask down and— 

“Prince Yubin,” Siyeon whispers, moving closer. 

They hadn’t been acquainted before, and it’s unfortunate that this was Siyeon’s first time meeting the prince and scholar. “I’m afraid I don’t have much time,” they say, looking around. “I have to tell you that tomorrow will be your execution but we will be doing everything in our power to prevent it.” 

Siyeon nods and Prince Yubin continues. “It won’t be possible for me to remove you from this cell because if they find out in the morning, they will be taking the princess in your place. As the king ordered.” 

“What about you? Why are you here?” 

Yubin smiles. They were as handsome as the poems the locals have read and written about them. “If anything happens to me, my family will not hesitate to start a war.” They look around, pulling up their cloak once more before standing. “Be strong. We will do our best so you can flee with your friends.” 

Siyeon sits up to chase them. “Wait! Are my friends all right?”

When Yubin nods, Siyeon lets out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. “I had summoned Gahyeon to let her know when I’d heard the king send the princess to the tower,” they say. “She and your friend are hiding in an empty home by the shore, waiting for you.” 

They stand to walk away and Siyeon stops them one last time. “Prince Yubin,” she whispers. Yubin looks at her expectantly, waiting. “Thank you.” 

Yubin gives her a nod before taking off without a sound. 

-

In the morning she is dressed to be thrown off a cliff in front of the people of the White Tiger peninsula. 

The guards dress her, and unshackle her for now. Their hands, heavy, mocking her. Unworthy, they’d said, and Siyeon knows it’s not true. 

Still, her eyes sting.

It’s a slow, barefoot walk to the top of the wall where she is to be thrown off. 

When she makes it to the top, the first thing she sees is the sun. Then when it clears, she sees Handong seated in front of her parents, her eyes, red. She’s dressed in her royal robes. Handong looks beautiful but she has never fit in it completely. Now, her hair is red, and she stands out in the crowd. 

Siyeon is sorry that Handong might see her die, looking this pretty. 

“Siyeon!” Handong exclaims, seeing her as she’s led to the stand overlooking the cliff. “ _Siyeon_ —I’m so sorry! I’m not going to let you die!” 

She looks over at the woman she loves and smiles. She’s not sure what the outcome of this will be but regardless, as long as Handong and Bora and Gahyeon are safe, she’ll be fine. 

When Handong stands to run to her, the guards stop her, holding her back.

Commander Wei stands by the cliff where Siyeon will be thrown, and the crowd cheers when Siyeon stands at the edge of it. The closer she is, the louder Handong’s cries are. He gives the order to have the guards tie ropes and rocks to Siyeon’s ankles. 

“Pirates have no place here,” Commander Wei murmurs to Siyeon. He looks to Handong’s father, who nods. 

Siyeon braces for it. Inhales. She trusts Prince Yubin, whatever their plan will be, but if the sea claims her then she will let it. 

“Stop, stop!” Handong cries and the whole room falls silent. “Commander Wei,” she says carefully. Handong dismantles one of the blades from one of the royal guards. “I… I challenge you to a crossing of blades.” 

The crowd gasps and Handong’s father looks at her incredulously. “Handong. Stop this charade right now.” 

Wei, however, moves away from Siyeon to walk towards Handong. He draws his sword. The challenge is accepted. Siyeon doesn’t know the rules of challenges here, but this was a way ranked officials settled disputes. As the commander, he represents the king. 

In a way, this is Handong challenging her father.

“Well, I’m flattered, princess,” he says, swinging his blade around. “What did you have in mind, hmm? Why don’t you tell His Majesty?”

Handong turns to her father and points the blade at him. “If I win, you set this pirate free and let me live as I please. I'm through with being your pawn,” she says, fiercely. All the pent up anger is flowing out of her and rage is all Siyeon sees in her eyes. “And if I lose... if I lose, I will join the pirate in the water.” 

The king looks at her, no love for her in his eyes. He had always seen Handong as his pawn. So when he nods his approval, Siyeon isn’t surprised. 

The entire world watches, and Siyeon waits with bated breath as they bow and take position. 

It’s Wei who strikes first and the loud ‘clang!’ of their blades meeting in the middle makes Siyeon jump. She’s afraid of watching, of what can possibly happen after, but she also can’t look away. The way Handong dodges and parries, the way she strikes is alluring. 

She was a warrior, and a part of Siyeon is happy that her father, who detested her ability with the blade, can see her prowess with the weapon. 

“All this,” Wei pants, forwarding with a strike that Handong gracefully avoids. She moves under his arm to kick the back of his knees. They’ve stopped playing fair the moment Wei almost throws a punch at her. Wei stumbles and barely maintains her footing. “All this for a filthy pirate?” 

Handong readies the blade for another exchange but her frown is deep. “She has enough goodness in her one finger than you have in your whole body, Commander,” Handong says and this time she strikes. Wei doesn’t expect it and it slices through his robe and his arm. 

Wei crumples in pain, blood spilling out and his blade falling from his hands as he collapses to his knees. 

Handong runs to bash her knee into his face, sending him back. 

She points her blade at his throat, the same way Siyeon did yesterday. 

“Do you concede?” She says. 

There is a moment of tense silence. Siyeon doesn’t breathe. Everyone watches on. 

What she doesn’t expect is Commander Wei turning his head in her direction, exclaiming: “push her!” 

The guards on her side do as they’re commanded. There are hands on her shoulders, and she doesn’t even see the other guards lifting the rocks attached to her legs to throw with her. 

Siyeon falls backward over the edge bringing the heaviness of the rocks with her. 

The last thing she sees before she’s plunged into the water is the sun. The last thing she hears is Handong crying out: “ _No_!” 

She free falls painfully into the cold sea welcoming her to her death. The water fills up her senses, and Siyeon knows the familiarity of it but she hates it has to be this way.

Siyeon opens her eyes as she is brought deeper and deeper, looking up at the surface — its waves, breaking the illumination of the sun. 

It occurs to her, as the water fills up her insides making it hard to breathe, that she was brought to life in the water, and that today, she will die by it.

 _Goddess of the Sea,_ she prays, _if you take my life, promise you’ll protect them. Protect Bora, Minji, Gahyeon, Handong. Even Prince Yubin and the princess they’re in love with._

She prays that this is over soon. She prays it not to hurt. She prays for a comforting vision to help her cross over. 

Siyeon looks up again, her heart constricting already. Her eyes are starting to hurt but she sees Handong, reaching out to her. Handong swimming towards her. Handong calling out her name. It's slow, so slow, and the waves feel like music in her ears. 

Siyeon smiles as she reaches up to the vision of Handong, who swims towards her, her red hair like flames and robes flowing in the blue of the water. _Thank you, Goddess, I wanted to see her one last time._

Siyeon reaches out to her, hoping to touch her, and when their hands meet it’s warm. It’s a tight grip. The hand that holds hers pulls her, resisting the weight of the stones. _What…?_

Handong hauls her closer, their bodies slotting together. She’s warm. So warm. As warm as the red hue of hair fanning from her head. Her heart is beating so fast. Her vision is already closing in, and she isn’t sure if it’s a hallucination that the princess struggles to cut off the ropes attached to Siyeon’s ankles.

If it’s a dream, a vision, it would be so cruel. 

The ropes are severed, and she’s lighter — so much lighter that she feels herself being lifted up. She doesn’t know if she’s alive. If she’s dead. If she’s dying. 

Siyeon is tired.

She closes her eyes and lets herself be taken to wherever she's meant to be taken, be it the arms of the sea or the arms of her lover. 

-

The gulp of air is a relief as much as it’s painful and she opens her eyes to the bright light giving her shooting pains into her head. 

The sound of the ocean, calm, lulling her back to life is the first thing Siyeon hears. 

“Siyeon, oh, ” she hears Handong cry, and Siyeon’s vision clears enough to see Handong, dripping wet, weeping tears of joy when Siyeon meets her eyes. She cradles Siyeon's head with much care. “ _Siyeon_ , you’re alive. You’re alive.” 

“Princess,” Siyeon says softly, her throat raw. “You… you saved me.” 

Handong nods, pressing her head to Siyeon’s. She doesn’t know if the water from Handong’s hair or her tears drips on her face but Siyeon doesn’t mind. 

“This looks nice,” she says, thumbing the stray strands of wet hair. The princess laughs, kissing her swiftly but sweetly. “It suits you.” 

It takes Siyeon a moment to see where she is. When Siyeon’s able to sit up, she realizes they’re on a small boat. Prince Yubin rows it for them, their stoic features harboring a small smile seeing Siyeon is fine. 

“Your highness,” Siyeon says. “Thank you.” 

“I gave you my word,” they say with finality. “You don’t deserve to die. Neither of you does.” 

Handong takes Siyeon’s hand and kisses it. Her skin is still clammy, but her lips are warm. Siyeon feels it spreading through her skin pleasantly. 

“Siyeon! Handong!” Someone calls out from a distance. Siyeon turns delicately to see it’s Bora and Gahyeon waving at them. From a distance, Siyeon can see the Polaris already.

Prince Yubin rows their boats until they’re close enough for Siyeon to hop on to. She wobbles slightly but maintains her balance. 

Handong, however, remains. 

Bora motions for her to transfer, with a small ‘hurry up!’ gesture. “Come on princess, we know you want to.”

Siyeon extends her hand to Handong, smiling at her. “Do you want to see the world with us?”

Handong has no more resolve. There’s no more resistance left in her. She wants to join. She wants to be there. She wants to see the libraries and the markets and everything else.

_With Siyeon._

The hesitation that had been there disappears when Handong takes her hand and moves onto their boat. Gahyeon and Bora embrace them, holding them tight. Their relief they’re both alive seeping through their clothes.

Prince Yubin coughs to make their presence known. “You might forget these,” they say, holding out Handong’s scimitar and Mintaka. “I procured them while everyone was out in court. Best take it with you.” 

Handong takes it, but she frowns, looking at the prince. “What about you?”

Yubin smiles but it doesn’t reach their eyes. “I still have much to do at home.” 

Handong nods. “Come find us when you’re ready. The two of you.” 

The prince softens at the mention of their lover. Siyeon bows at them, thanking them once more for everything they’ve done. “There’s always room on the Polaris.” 

Yubin starts steering the boat away, but not before bowing lowly in return. Bows not meant for strangers, much less traitors and criminals. “I’ll keep that in mind. Goddess be with you wherever you may be.” 

-

It’s a tearful reunion, once they’re hauled onto the Polaris and Minji’s arms. “Bora, Siyeon,” Minji cries, her arms around the two of them in a fierce embrace. “Thank Goddess you’re safe, oh, we’re never doing that again.” 

They were in one place once more, one whole, as they should be - like the three-star constellation in the sky their respective blades were named after. 

Always together. Always leading the way. 

Siyeon cries and Bora sheds tears, her nails digging into Minji’s dark blue robes. Their separation had been more difficult for Bora, and there were a handful of nights Bora had shyly asked to sleep beside Handong and Siyeon or Gahyeon. They never turned it down, knowing Bora had missed her other half awfully.

It’s Bora who pulls away first, nodding towards Gahyeon and Handong watching the scene unfold. “We brought in some strays.” 

Minji laughs, wiping her tears away first before extending her hand to the two of them. “Strays are always allowed on board, you know this,” she smiles at them warmly. “Welcome to the Polaris.” 

They introduce themselves to Minji and Siyeon watches as Handong listens. At one point, their eyes meet, and Siyeon’s heart soars into the sun.

Handong smiles at her, shyly, and Siyeon can’t believe they’ll be seeing the world. Together. 

The Goddess of the Sea smiles on them today, Siyeon knows it.

-

Siyeon pushes the door leading to the busy deck. Everyone greets her, ecstatic to have her back. She loved the peninsula before everything had happened, but this is her place. This is her home. This is her family.

She approaches Handong, helping some of the younger members sharpen the blades with whetstones that Bora had bought from the marketplace before they’d left. 

Handong, too, has never looked happier. Gahyeon looks absolutely adorable with a slight tan and pink cheeks. 

“Good morning,” Handong greets, moving closer to kiss her. She looks extremely handsome in their loose clothing. This time, it fits her. “Ready to lead us to the destination, child of the sea?” 

“Absolutely, princess,” she says, leaning in for another but Minji’s voice from the captain’s deck calls out. 

“Hey! Nothing like that on my ship!” A voice calls up from the deck. It’s Minji, with Bora attached to her side, leading the crew as they always do. 

Siyeon only rolls her eyes, and Minji and Bora laugh. “Held on to this while you were away,” the captain tells her, brandishing Siyeon’s silver and blue astrolabe. “Think fast!” 

Minji tosses it and Siyeon catches it perfectly. “Lead the way, navigator.” 

Siyeon, like she always does, follows the stars.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes they yeet out before the war starts. Yes orion’s belt is singjibo “explain why” no <3
> 
> Thanks for reading!! Not sure if people would want to know more about the world here but if you are, do let me know and i’ll update the end notes
> 
> The [cuneiform clay tablet about the wrong delivery of copper that Handong was reading in the library](https://twitter.com/protosemite/status/1300951411295948802?s=21)


End file.
